Disclaimer: I love my family more than they probably know, I respect them very much and admire their individual strengths, and by no means do I even want to imply that I would be blaming anyone for the situation we are in.
I don’t communicate much with my family. I don’t tend to make calls or visit (I am trying to get better at that nowadays though), I could slap all excuses known to humankind into this about my borderline and depression and angst and such and how I haven’t felt like I can but then… Why do I feel like I can’t talk to my family? Is it the feeling of being a burden? Being a let down somehow because I am actually not the perfect girl I feel they wanted me to be? Is it that when they don’t actually call me personally to ask how I’m doing instead of someone else near me no matter how less likely I am to pick up the phone because of my phobia that has gotten way better lately? Is it really my job, as someone who struggles to even figure out my own worth on a daily basis, to make sure my family is in contact with me, telling me that hey, I have not been forgotten and I do matter and that I am still a part of it?
Because you know, in my dark times I have those thoughts, the ones where I am happy most of them are together and taking care of each other… but what about me? Now I understand as a clever being (my husband keeps telling me I’m clever) that it’s not their fault or mine. We all have a lot on our plates, shit is raining down everywhere and the bloody winter never even came to me when I wanted it to, there is like zero snow in the village, but… what about me?
Now what hurts me the most is telling me that someone is doing their best to keep in contact, but when I’m being called or messaged only when something major is happening: Is that all I am? Something to be left alone just because of some old habit that got me scared that I’m now resolving? Something to toss on another person’s shoulders because they don’t have the strength to cope with my shit?
A wise man said that you always save yourself first.
Because if you let yourself go you won’t be around to help anyone else either. I get that. But as an emotional and apparently very easily influenced person (thanks a lot my friends for that, it was a harsh but necessary wake-up call) I must say it makes me feel obsolete sometimes even in the eyes of my own beloved family.
Imagine how alone that makes me feel. To have this thought all the time of not wanting to bother, to wonder if I’ve been forgotten or if people actually care what is happening to me. All just because nobody ever ACTUALLY asks me. And even if they do they are just satisfied with the legendary ”I’m fine” that everyone who has dealt with anything like my shadows knows by heart.
To make things a bit worse, the people that love you and support you should be there no matter what. And now. Now it seems that my things have got me to the point where I have not been able to see my family for a long long while because of the choices I made and the man I chose to marry.
That’s not how I roll. Not anymore.
I want to start being true to myself, which I have not been well… Ever really except in small bursts of defiance towards the world.
Lately, I’ve started to understand that it’s ok for me to be angry and hurt and to show it as long as I don’t go bashing people’s faces in. So here I am, bashing my keyboard instead, in the hopes someone will hear me and think about me instead of their own doubts and fears and whatever they might have lurking behind the corners and under the beds. I wish people would place trust in me. Accept me for what and who I am.
Because for the first time since all this darkness took over me when I was a child and cut for the first time… I see it more clearly. I have a path. I have a dream that I can make happen. And I have people, good people, behind me supporting me with that ambition and motivating me and encouraging me and telling me that even if I fail it’s fine, failure is a part of life and I will learn a lot during the journey.
People who tell me I should be brave and true to myself, whatever that may mean.