Continuing to take a deeper look into a thread I named The List. I decided to take this opportunity to talk about toxicity, the meaning of words, and the fragile human ego.
Compromise is Key
So, after having taken a look at The List, I made my point as per the thoughts I had about it in the comments. It seems that in the matter of intimate relations, people tend to see things as black and white, and are not willing to yield anything – even if it would be for the benefit of the relationship. In my mind, a marriage can not work if one party is stuck thinking that their needs rule the course of life for both.
I also talked about the mythical “mood” that was mentioned, and I could not understand why the mood had to be a very specific one, especially for women that are known to have their drive lessened when they secure a partner and start living in a relationship. With this in mind, we already struggle to find partners that have our exact rhythm and pace in the matter.
Compromise is the key. With time, couples should find a rhythm that suits both parties, not just one. To me, this is a no-brainer, but while I was having this Twitter discussion, it finally hit home that some people think differently. Which is fine, I just feel bad for their significant others when they have to deal with such an uncompromising partner.
Is he making you do it?
From my statement, we immediately go into the harshest notion on the dark side – men are making us do it. Uhh… No, they are not, actually. And if they are, it is criminal and should be punished accordingly. But we will get to that in later installments I’m sure. Right now I would like to talk a little bit about the notion of respect this person talked about.
While it is amazing that there is such respect between the pair, I can’t help but feel it is one-sided. For me, at least in this matter, mutual respect means two things: Firstly, it means that my partner respects me enough to do exactly what the person talking with me says, which is not forcing me to do anything I am not comfortable doing. Secondly, it means that I respect my partner and his needs, and am willing to be there through thick and thin (be it intimacy or anything else).
Doesn’t this just make sense? To be there for our partners to help them go through life with the maximum amount of joy and happiness we can possibly provide for them? Why is it that my needs would trump his, or vice versa? This kind of thinking baffles me.
Rejecting on basis of “freedom”
I have to make a point out of noting how this person completely misread my next line, or they are just very, very twisted in their thinking. You see, to me, my husband is equal. This comes with a variety of things, such as choices and priorities. Now, it is our unified thought, that especially in a situation like a marriage, the partners should be saying “yes” to their spouse more than they say no.
How are you supposed to live a life of contentment if the person by your side keeps rejecting you? And what is worse, if they keep rejecting you based on this bizarre movement crying out how we women own our own bodies and you be damned to hell if you even dare suggest we should give any ounce of it for you to investigate! Seriously now, yes, my body is mine, his body is his… What’s the catch here? Like I said in my tweet, why would I not give when I get? It’s like the equilibrium has completely vanished from the modern woman’s head and gone POOF out the window. No, ladies, we are not entitled to just get get get.
Slavery?
Oh boy. All the legit slaves of the world unite and slap everyone who keeps using this word so nonchalantly these days with a fish. In what god-forsaken world does a voluntary act such as intimacy in a relationship even begin to be slavery? And how about that selfishness in the statement “Just because you chose him doesn’t mean you have to put your own needs aside for his”. The audacity.
When I entered my marriage, I entered a relationship. I made a literal promise in front of the nice folks downtown and swore I would work for the benefit of the family. The family. Not me, THE FAMILY. Quite frankly I get pretty much sickened by people who think this is some game to make just one person happy, disregarding the other one. In a union, any kind of union, it is no longer just about you. It is about the whole unit. I for one would rather not see my husband grow bitter just because well, my body is mine!
Me or him?
I really feel for the people that are stuck in relationships with a modern woman who is obsessed with being in absolute control of their life to the level of insanity. This kind of person does not give two craps about how you feel (especially if you happen to be a guy), and what you might need.
This kind of behavior is also very unhealthy, to that I can attest, having once been on the wrong boat sailing through life, not thinking for myself. People, friends, please – Stop hurting your loved ones based on the false ideologies of those who talk with bitterness and hatred. Think about what you can do for your loved ones, don’t leave any idea off the table.
Stop rejecting your spouse, say yes more. This is not a case of “it’s either you or me!”. This is a beautiful chance to grow together, as a unit. A chance to be stronger with an ally than what we would be if we were alone. Work with each other, in mutual understanding and respect towards each other’s needs.
And if you can’t find your shared pace, if there is no compromise to be had, move on – there is no shame in that.