We all have hurtful times in our lives. Some of us have to deal with more and some less, but pain is still pain. In this post, we will take a look at some of my relationships from the past. We will walk through some of the abuse I experienced, and find out why I eventually got past it. How did I find the strength to forgive my abusers?
All my life, up till I met my husband, people have pushed and pulled on my leash. True, I have some resemblance of agency in all of it. Yet, I learned early, that is better to let other people lead than to do it myself. After all, that is how you make people like you. At least for a little bit.
The problem of this particular approach is, that the people that you end up connecting with are predators. You might get lucky, and find the lesser ones, that will only guilt you and be slightly manipulative. You know, the ones that are not generally evil, but instead, they cherish the opportunity you bestow upon them. Your naivety becomes their fuel.
And then there’s the bastards. The ones that will try to take advantage of you when your light flickers off. All it takes is being in the wrong place when you’ve enjoyed your evening a little too much. It happened to me once. And let me tell you, it is not a good feeling to wake up to a guy you trusted while they do things they shouldn’t.
Break her spirit
We are all offended occasionally, and that’s fine. Offend me all you like. After all, my frustration with someone else’s opinion is my problem, not the opinion holders. I’m not talking about the random people trolling us. I’m talking about the snakes in our garden. The ones that would get to know our weakness, and abuse it until we break.
I was once friends with a guy. We spent a lot of time playing games, even leading some teams together. Time took its course, and we got closer. It turns out I let the guy get too close. And I found it out in the most gruesome way possible.
After a heated argument, he decided to carve up his skin and show me the result. It was my fault. I made him feel that desperate. Not too long after that, he proclaimed that he would broadcast his suicide on YouTube for me. A little while later, he banded up with the rest of those he’d convinced to hate me. It was a storm the likes I’ve not seen since. Pure evil, vitriol, venom, acid… whatever corrosive things you can imagine. All of it hurled at me from close proximity.
That shitstorm, I eventually recovered from it. After all, it was just my mind that got beaten. And our minds are amazing at adapting to new situations, even when we feel helpless. What took more time to shake off, and brace yourself, was the violation of my body. And when it comes from someone you’ve lived with for ages… You’ll never look at them the same again.
When I was slammed to the wall by a guy way bigger than myself, I shrank. His arm was on my collarbone, pressing against my throat. Breathing was difficult, to say the least. The growls and the sweet scent of energy drinks and mouth rot still lingers. But it was all my fault. I was too hyper, too manic. Right?
My history is riddled with dark places. Memories of people groping, grabbing, and threatening me live in my cracked core. They will never leave or die. It took me years (and a husband) to be finally able to stop shaking when embraced. After that, things got different. I will take the penalty of you thinking me rude, rather than be forced into being touched. Might be just a handshake to you, but you don’t know the terror it can inflict. You are, after all, at least somewhat decent.
Take everything from her
It wasn’t enough for me to be mentally broken and physically afraid. Oh no. After the repeated lies, cheating, and abandonment, there was more. Much, much more.
See, when a young, already broken lady such as myself gets introduced to a crook, it’s a match made in hell. The fractured self adores the person who promises the world. You will be safe. They will take care of you. You don’t need others. You can’t survive out there.
At some point, I lost control of my destiny. I stumbled in blindness and yielded my bank account. What a stupid thing to do. I nearly didn’t get it back. And when I finally took it, there was hell to pay.
I had nothing for a decade, you know. My clothes were ragged, and my shoes leaked. I had hidden a 50€ bill in a book, just in case. I ended up needing it. And as if the money wasn’t enough, in the end, I lost most of my family too. Only my mother remains from that ‘war’.
She breaks free
How on earth does anyone forgive any of that? I was so beaten, so wounded, that I didn’t know how to be human anymore. My poor husband has the patience of a saint. He was the one that saw me through this ‘war’, the only one to support me. When my soul was weeping for the losses, he was there, holding on to the pieces.
They say time heals all wounds. It might well be true, since after some time I managed to stop mourning. The hatred, bitterness, pain, everything in me lessened. Don’t get me wrong, it kept bursting out every now and again. But it mellowed out. And I could finally work with it. I could finally face it on my own terms.
It’s not good to be hateful. It drains you and corrupts you. It’s better to do everything you can to let it go. It isn’t easy, but it must be done. My struggle lasted for years, and I’m still not over everything. BMWs still creep me out. The scent of alcohol triggers a flight response. But I’m working on it, and have come leaps and bounds.
I wonder if having found my way back to the presence of divinity has helped me with it. I’m not angry anymore. Everything that happened, had to happen. And it had to happen in that exact way, or else I wouldn’t be where I am. For all my pain, I got rewarded a thousandfold when I met my husband. For all the shadows, I now how a brilliant light in my life.
So yes. All those that deemed to treat me less than human – I forgive you. Doesn’t make you any less of an evil person, but that’s not the point. The point is, that I grew, I lived, and even died sometimes. I learned what it means to be helpless, and hopeless. And I learned about true love, kindness, and life.
It’s all good now. I am where I’m meant to be. Scars and all.