The world is quite a scary place, filled with illness, fights, toxicity, and all the other nasty things under the sky. Today I will dwell into the Life Trap of being vulnerable to these harms, on a level that causes severe stress reactions and fear.
A brief summary based on what the book, Tunne Lukkosi by Kimmo Takanen, tells us of the Life Trap of Vulnerability:
I worry and feel unsafe often. I fret unreasonable amounts about my health, dangers, my financial situation as well as losing control. Life is hazardous, and I keep feeling like something bad is about to happen, and I won’t be able to stop it. The scenarios of horror run in my mind, and I believe them. I am especially scared for my loved ones getting into trouble and accidents, and the fear can cause me panic attacks, making me unable to enjoy my everyday life.
When compensating for my vulnerability I will often try to take control. If only I manage to take over my environment, I can make sure nothing bad ever happens. In my fear I may become a harbinger of chaos, as I keep warning people about whatever danger I may perceive is headed for them. The constant fear leads me into picking partners that are fearless, strong enough to protect me from all of the dangers of the world.
I may also turn to avoidance to make sure I never have to face the fear. I will stay in the places I know, situations I know. This brings forth a cycle that keeps going, as the avoidance tends to enhance the fear and belief, and that in turn makes me avoid the things even more.
If I had to pick one thing that hinders my life over anything, I would tell you it is my fear.
I am constantly worried, scared, afraid, anxious over the smallest things. The only time I’m not feeling worried is when I’m doing something I absolutely love, which is writing. Otherwise, the whispers inside my head do their damnest to make me miserable.
My fear causes most if not all of the disturbances in my relationships and interactions with other people, but since this post is about vulnerability to harm on the outside, I will try my best to put shady borders around those sections of my life. The borderline’s tendency to be afraid of Abandonment can get gruesome at times, as we fight to not get hurt.
Dangers, illness, accidents.
In my life, I’ve had to deal with insane violent actions that lead to my friends being killed, as well as myself being targeted by bullies and sleazy individuals with intentions that certainly were not to just say hello. I’ve dealt with severe illness taking away the things that light up my life, and accidents destroying my reality as I knew it. I’ve lived without any money on my account and learned that it’s ok for other people to take complete control over your life without punishment.
This has made me terrified. My husband might get attacked on the streets, for no reason at all. He might get into an accident. He might get severely ill. And for sure, the world will find a way to take him away from me if I don’t do it first. Especially now, when it seems that the hatred between people is rising in the world. I am absolutely petrified that some nutjob from the streets will target my beloved companion for life when he is merely doing some shopping for us, minding his business.
I have learned that the world can not be trusted. Everyone is out to get me, even people I once called family. I will be shunned, ridiculed, my every dream and hope will be crushed in the name of all the ‘’proper citizens’’. And somehow this kind of toxicity is fine by people. The world will target my every choice in life from who I married to what I love doing, and when that isn’t enough it will start attacking me for having a broken soul or looking a certain way.
I learned that the world doesn’t want me here.
When it’s not the people on this planet trying to make everyone else’s life as miserable as their own, the cosmos pitches in. I have various mystical physical issues nobody can tell me where they come from, other than I’m a crazy stressed lady. My feet and palms can break out in blisters, my head can feel like it’s being cracked open and my gut like I’m about to die. And I’ll never really know why other than it may be related to all the stress I’m constantly in.
I have had multiple panic attacks due to my fears, one even took me into a mild psychosis as I thought that a person had died and didn’t understand that they were there, next to me. And what did they do have to deal with this kind of delusion? They simply did not answer their phone.
I instigate random fights because I’m terrified we don’t have money to live. For over a decade I was constantly told that I can’t afford anything, not even clothes. That money is tight. I had nothing on my name, as it was all taken in the name of paying the bills. This taught me to be jealous and overprotective of my funds, which is a grave issue in my marriage, as I have difficulty trusting being treated fairly by my husband as well as just generally having the funding to live. I’ve stopped hiding bills between book pages though, so I suppose it’s getting better.
Life, as it often tends to do, found a way to help.
As I struggle to sometimes go out as the world is too dangerous and stressful for me, my husband keeps encouraging me to go out of my comfort zones. From the first time, when we went for a drive in the city and I nearly got a panic attack from just having one lap around the market, all the way to long explorative trips on foot to malls and offices. I’m doing way better, and have almost been convinced that maybe the world isn’t so bad after all.
As the book tells us, I’m beginning to not worry so much, and when I can catch it I’m not blowing things out of proportion, after all, not every drunk is about to come and bash my door in. I’ve started to be more realistic about bad things happening around me, understanding that even if my fear tells me it will happen, that is not always the reality of things.
I’ve learned that I can take more than I ever knew, I mean, I left a place where I’d thought for over a decade that I can’t survive and will literally die if I leave! I didn’t die though. I’m still here, there’s still accidents and terror in the world. But I’m still here. And the world seems that much more beautiful when I can take a walk in the park with my husband, these days I can see all the colors of the sunset because I’m no longer walking with my eyes fixed on the gravel under my feet.