In my previous post, I talked about the first Life Trap – Subjugation. In this post, I will be taking a closer look at the Trap of Emotional inhibition and how it affects me.
A brief summary based on what the book, Tunne Lukkosi by Kimmo Takanen, tells us of the Life Trap of Emotional inhibition:
I have difficulty expressing myself spontaneously, it is better to keep it in and under control, especially with other people around. Because of this, I may come off as stiff, even joyless. I believe that my emotions are something to be ashamed of, that there is something wrong with them. If I show my emotions, something bad will happen.
I have a lot bottled up inside me, sometimes I feel like a balloon about to pop. I have to keep myself in check at all times.
I don’t want any surprises or loud noises in my environment, I like it neat and under control. No ruckus, no spontaneous people. Emotions seem to be a lesser trait to me.
It’s hard and confusing to me to be positive to the people around me, to show affection.
When I’m drinking the walls might come down and I may overcompensate the inhibition by being emotional, over the top so. The anger I have not expressed may come up then too, uncontrolled and raw, which in turn brings me troubles and I end up being even more controlling of my emotions when sober.
A lot of this description hits me.
I do indeed have difficulty showing emotions, especially out in public. I’ve lived in an environment where it was not allowed much. Anger, anxiety, hurt, even my crazy happiness and enthusiasm were not looked at very nicely. Of course, that meant I had very little joy in my social interactions, considering I also pair this up with the previous Life Trap of Subjugation.
One major issue with the inhibition in me is that I truly believe that there is something wrong with me when I feel. I’ve been called mean, dramatic, jealous, all the good things. And, when it comes to punishment, it varies from being told off at gatherings and parties all the way to being shoved and even slammed against a wall and being growled at, all because I showcased an undesired emotion.
Bad things will happen if I show emotion.
The good emotions are not any easier, I have learned a pattern of “nobody cares, why should I” because of all the times I was excited about something and it was put down. It’s not ok to be having ‘’negative’’ feelings, and it’s not ok to be having positive ones either. How dare I be excited! Such heresy.
When it comes to loud noises and spontaneous behaviors, it’s not that I don’t like people being like that. It’s more like I get jealous, why can they do that when I’m not allowed? Because of my anxiety, I also like having some predictability in my environment, I have such bad experiences of my panic levels getting high and me being reprimanded for being rude or even just left alone with my devices, shivering. The more I can control the surroundings and make it so no surprises happen, the more I can stay neutral and pleasant to other people no matter what goes on inside me.
It is very difficult to show affection indeed. It’s even weird to receive it. I can’t tell my parents I love them without it being awkward like there’s something shameful there. My husband allows me to practice diligently though! In his case, it would be messed up not to echo back the love he gives me, mostly because I want him to know I love him at least as much as he loves me!
But with anyone other than my husband it’s a different story.
I have learned that people’s views of love and loving actions, of emotions in general, are pretty much skewed. Mine included. I have learned that I can not trust people, especially if they start being nice. Mean people are easier to deal with, I mean, If they are already spouting vile things how bad it can get? It’s the ‘’good’’ people I have to look out for. They are usually hiding things, gnarly things, that’s what I’ve learned.
I don’t drink much anymore, same with actual coffee. As a borderline person, my emotions are already off the walls, why make it worse with substances?
In the past though, I used to drink quite a lot of booze and coffee since I was enabled to do so. It got scary. I had pretty much two modes when I was drunk: the super amazing epic loved by all crazy gamer chick, or the tears everything to pieces aggressive and angry, prone to self-harm bundle of acid and toxicity.
The most vivid memories related to this are from when I was co-leading a sort of static (a group of people playing together on a regular basis, trying to beat bosses and such). The fellas used to tell me I’m more fun when I’m drunk. All the way until I snapped at one poor person because they refused to listen to my instructions repeatedly and got everyone to be silent with my ‘’Get the F*CK out of my way” growl. It is truly such fun when the balloon finally pops!
So, no more drunkenness for me.
Now, the book tells us that when the Life Trap, or emotion-lock of Emotional inhibition, is released we will acknowledge and be able to name our emotions better, accepting them as a natural part of us. We would be able to talk about them and express them all, the good and the bad, without having to compensate for them under the influence of alcohol.
It would be nice to be able to show my emotions out there in the world, I have so much joy to give! I am actually currently trying to meditate on all of my many emotions being valid and perfectly acceptable, of course keeping in mind that trying to justify hurtful behavior on some emotion I had is completely unacceptable, and I think I’m making progress.
It’s like I am slowly breaking free from the chains that I’ve put on myself, that others imposed on me, the chains that keep me from being able to live an amazing, less painful life.
It’s a messed up thing to be a borderline with the emotional scale from the earth’s core to Pluto and have to think that it’s not ok to have any of it. I have hope though that one day I’ll be able to see it as a true strength instead of a hindrance, this emotional ability of mine!
Have you ever had issues with expressing emotion? Why was it?
Let me know in the comments below!