For many of us, forming a family is the ultimate thing to do in life. Having a child is the goal we strive for, whether driven by social norms or just the biological pull of any species. But what if you are not in your right mind and balanced?
Just don’t do it
In short, that’s it. Just don’t do it. Don’t get a child, someone who is dependant on you and can’t choose or affect their most crucial times of growth, if you are not mentally stable. I’m sorry, I can’t sympathize with people who would willingly mess up someone else, just because they have the feeling that having a child would somehow make them more fulfilled in their life. It is another person, not something to boost yourself and your worth with.
As a Borderline, I feel absolutely terrible for the kids that have to go through their parents being so selfish that despite their broken self they would choose to bring a child to the world. Don’t fool yourselves, people. If you can’t get a grip before the child, you will certainly have an even harder time with a child to take care of. It’s like in the airplane: first put the oxygen mask on yourself, and then help others. What good are we, if we can’t breathe. Even if it just happens on occasion.
It is completely alright and should be the norm, in my opinion, to take care of yourself first. To not even think about trying to tend to another human being, or anything living for that matter before you are ready and stable enough to withstand the strongest storms with 90% integrity. In my mind, this is the most selfless act you can do, to not mess up a child, which will happen whether you like it or not if your mental health is broken.
It’s not fair!
Like a five-year-old, I would cry while having a tantrum on the supermarket floor. Why? Because it is true. And as a child we have no power over anything like adults do, we are completely at their mercy. Why should a child have to deal with mommy or daddy acting out because of their mental pain? They don’t understand it, they only understand the shadow and fright of what is happening. The parent is supposed to be their safety, their sanctuary, their everything. If a child can not feel safe with their parent, truly, this is among the worst things on the planet.
Why would you put a delicate, new life through your pain? Just because you, or someone else in your circles, wanted to have a child? What was the reason that you thought it would be ok to bring one when you know that you can barely tolerate the trip to the store without having a panic attack? In what world is it, that the notion of the child hopefully flipping your life upside down, for the better, is a proper reason for anything? No. Get yourself together, conquer that store like a boss, and then think about having that idyllic family image with 1 point something children, a dog, and a house. It’s nobody else’s responsibility to fix you, and certainly, it would be terribly unfair to chuck that unwanted weight on a child that relies on you.
A child needs your support, it needs your protection and sanity to be able to grow up into a wonderful human being. Your cracks, if you have not mended them and gained control, will form new, sore wounds in your child. No proper parent would want this fate for their offspring. As I’ve mentioned before, a child does not understand why mum/dad is just laying in bed all day, never smiling. Or if they smile it’s somehow off, and they start to wonder if it’s because they didn’t make them happy or did something wrong. How is that kind of unstable environment an approvable place to live for a child? It is not livable even to you, so why would you bring another being into this hell hole?
What about him/her?
A whole other point to note is the overwhelming responsibility of the other parent. On what planet is it ok to push your responsibility into the hands of someone else? When that BPD rage hits, you scream like a banshee, maybe break some things because you couldn’t quite control it, who is there to try and tell the child it’s going to be ok? Who’s responsibility is it, to try and take care of both an adult child and the actual child that is terrified because its parent is going nuclear for no apparent reason? Your bloody partner doesn’t deserve that, and it makes me sick thinking there are even older siblings that have to carry that burden.
I can’t even begin to imagine the hurt, the agony caused by having to try and make sense to a terrified child. No, Tim, Mummy is just having a lot of pain in her heart. She won’t hurt you, she would never hurt you. Even when she screams directly at you, even if she doesn’t pay attention to you, even if she grabs or hugs you too tight – that’s just her own pain. She doesn’t mean it. You and I Tim, we need to be strong for mummy.
Seriously? That scene is terrible, and I’m sure it happens way too much in the world.
I am seriously baffled why this world has rules for everything else, but not for bringing a child. Anyone can be a parent. No matter how messed up your life is, how bad your mental health is, no matter if you are an alcoholic and an addict, or maybe even a predator. You can just make a child happen. Why? Why is it ok to bring another being into a place of chaos and pain? Why is it ok to pressure your partner into it, making them look like a bad person if they say no because they understand what it would mean?
It’s a no from me
Now, I don’t know how many times I’ve been told that I’ll change my mind. That I’ll start wanting it if I just find the right person. I’m talked to like I’m some sort of a defect in the system for not having the desire to bring kids of my own. Again, as I’ve mentioned before, do not fool yourselves.
I know my own darkness, and no matter how amazing and wonderful I can be, I have a severely disturbed side to me that I can’t yet bring to a heel. No matter how amazingly wonderful my genius husband is, and I do feel bad for not being able to give him that socially acceptable image of a family, it would not be fair towards him or the child to bring one. I am lucky to have a man who understands Life by my side and won’t let me even have a pet before I have my shit together up to a decent standard.
I know that I would love my child like no other. I would do everything and anything for them, and I would give my best to make sure they have everything they need. I would be a wonderful mother. My husband even tells me I have that instinct, no matter what I try to tell him in my stubborn denial. But, there is a very big but.
My emotions as a Borderline are extreme. A flashing image in my mind’s eye can trigger me into thinking someone has died, which in turn makes me psychotic at worst. My anger, the terrible rage, is not always under control. The Demon in me is sometimes stronger, I’m in the back seat. I watch the screaming, the hurting, the fighting, the self-harm, and the emotional manipulation I dish out, and I can’t stop it. Sometimes I’m drowning in a pool of darkness, I see nothing. I struggle to do my daily duties as a housewife, everything is so overwhelming. I am so sorry, husband, that you have to deal with it, and so, so thankful that you do.
In what world would it be acceptable to bring a child, a being that has no power over the situation it was brought into, to suffer from my Borderline as well? A child needs a stable and balanced environment, and I can not give them that. I know myself, and I will not put a new life through this pain of mine. Isn’t that the most motherly thing you can do, to protect even the hypothetical offspring from this turmoil?
So, I beg of you, if you know that you are not alright, don’t bring a child into the world. You are already in pain, and not the child, nor you, nor your partner, deserves to experience it. None of you deserve to experience even more hurt, because that’s where it will lead with all the guilt for the shadow you’ve cast on an innocent being. Be kind. Be kind to yourself, your none existing child, and to your partner. Focus on healing, and go from there.