By dwelling on the meaning of my life, I’ve found many ways to try and make sense of it all. Having listened to a podcast on YouTube by Russel Brand, I decided to go through my own inner inventory. As a result, my Life’s Dogma was born. After a while, I took the step to execute a test. How would my life change if I followed said Dogma for a month?
Where do I struggle?
As I started to sketch the dogmas, I already knew the things that would be difficult for me to master. These things revolved around my Borderline Affliction as a whole. As far as I can tell, they are pretty much a consequence of never truly forming my own identity. I was also missing a value system of my own while simultaneously attempting to be the chameleon. This molded me into whatever shape would make me less likely to get abandoned.
My biggest problem has always been discipline, and even more so, trying to apply it myself. For most of my life, others have directed me (in childhood by my father, and later by partners/friends). I never quite learned to have responsibility on my own terms. To this day, I struggle with holding myself accountable when the responsibility doesn’t come from agreements and commitments to outsiders.
One BPD trait I have trouble with, though less nowadays, is my constant and ever-chaotic range of emotional responses. I’ve come to believe that my temperament is already sensitive, which makes the whole Borderline situation all the more tiresome. When I feel, I FEEL.
The purpose of the dogmas was to learn to master my own self. To be able to avoid being tossed around by the constant chaos looming underneath like a giant megalodon’s open maw. I knew from the beginning that this little human experiment would not be easy in the least.
Tools I started using
When I started my journey to follow my own dogma, I promptly found out that I needed help remembering them. The five Majors weren’t an issue, but the more than 20 that followed threw my memory for a loop. And so, I made the decision to do something daring. I would use the delusions of the past as a tool for a better future and development of the self.
From my psychotic mind, I had created a whole fantasy realm. In that realm, my supporters, friends, and confidants existed. I called forth Nilgrant the Valiant, Regulus the Wise, Aleiron the Ally, The Great Matron, and Chazian the Worlds’ Breath. They became Avatars, each carrying their respective Minor dogmas, signifying courage, curiosity, humility, benevolence, and imagination among other things.
Another thing I figured out a few days into the experiment was that I needed a routine. A way of reminding myself of what it is that I am going after. The Maverick’s Rosary was born. On top of my meditative journaling, the Rosary has become one of the crucial parts of my day. With it I meditate upon the Mysteries of life and the greater image, and my Path. I’ve since kept meditating on the Rosary on occasion. I even have a smaller one for those moments when the need arises to get some extra guidance in the chaos.
Things I became aware of
During the course of my novel exploration of dogmas, I quickly figured out that I am extremely easily distracted. Not that I didn’t know that already, I just hadn’t quite grasped the magnitude of the situation. Whenever I’m faced with so-called ‘empty’ time, I tend to fill it with consumerism. YouTube, Social Media, games, shows, anything but the things that would rejuvenate me instead of draining me.
I fall into the pits of media with the cursed blessing of being able to dissociate on cue. Because of this, I often find myself staring into some unknown distance, completely aloof. I’m not exaggerating if I tell you that sometimes I dissociate several times a day. All the way to the point where my sights get blurred and I lose the sense of reality.
This in turn makes it extremely difficult to follow one of the Major Dogmas: Honor the Fragment. I can’t for the life of me listen to my own thoughts, the true thoughts, with all the collective chaos. Whether my own thoughts ran amok, or I consumed everything and anything online, the cacophony drowns my own sensible voice. This can lead to a messy, depressing, lethargic day. On occasion I’ve even rebelled against the Fragment, telling myself to shut up in my laziness. Even if it tried to tell me about objectively beneficial things such as using gloves when I’m doing the dishes. Like my skin wasn’t going through hell already!
Things that improved
It’s not all bad, though. I forced myself to keep my preferred traits and the Path on my mind at all times. Journaling, facing problems, and going through my Rosary daily helped me immensely. I also became more aware of the fact that I can’t go on like I used to. I’d have to deal with my destructiveness with awareness, patience, and curiosity instead of blowing up on the spot. After all, that would only lead to the chaos I no longer want in my life.
I have become way more adept at self-reflection, a skill I feel is extremely important for the sake of self-development. I still struggle greatly with some things that seem to be ticking at me as badly as the crocodile’s clock ticks and tocks for Captain Hook. Despite this, I can say that making the commitment has made me evolve to a new level. I now cope with things better and deal with the majority of problematic situations in a more constructive manner.
I had another major epiphany when crafting the dogmas and pondering on their meanings. My body actually matters. In the past, I had only trained for the sake of competing or having some athletic goal. When those were no longer the driving force, I neglected myself entirely. The cornerstone of Mastering the Storms is to keep a healthy body. Without it there will be no vessel, and thus no life to live. We shouldn’t underestimate the body’s connection to the mind either, so, I started putting an effort into my health.
So, was it worth it?
My life has been made more tolerable, joyous, and meaningful due to finding my Path. Crafting the dogmas gave me a better guideline on how I could reach my full potential on this journey. Following the dogma taught me a lot about myself, and provides a toolkit for all occasions regardless of the situation. I’ll never be lost, and will always have a more sensible way to follow instead of my Borderline habits. Even in the most difficult situations.
The dogmas are something I’ve created for myself, after deep self-reflection on what I want my life to be. As such, I have gained a lot from following them. I keep growing into a better person, gaining self-respect, and becoming compassionate and benevolent instead of a toxic Banshee. I also have a generally more understanding and calm aura about me.
As it stands, I have now permanently closed the Cosmic door of Maverick’s dogmas. I am fully committed to living my life accordingly. After all, what could be a better aim and way of life than to become a master of myself? To learn to traverse the world around me with respect, humility, and courage?
Last Updated: 24/06/2023