This story was inspired by the time I spent learning about my Life Traps. These Traps are basically locks of emotion that bind us and can lead to maladaptive patterns of behavior (schemas). They are the burden we carry with us from childhood and the fear and the anger we unleash onto unfortunate loved ones. Consequently, this short story is called Predicament, and it pertains to the time spent within the Ocean of Chaos inside my psyche.
I am Conflict.
I don’t like it, the conflict in me. Indeed, the lesser evils guide my life. Should I rebel? Or should I submit? I have to Submit, as there is no other way for me to survive this hell. Can you see it, can you see my friends? Those who dare say they love me, that they care? Yet in the darkness of night, I close the curtains and weep. However, none of you would ever Submit to me in turn. The betrayal of a lifetime, slavery incarnate.
But I have to Please, don’t I? Otherwise, I risk losing your good graces. The growls and bruises remind me of reality. The shattered dreams that once held me shine on the bottom of the Ocean of Chaos. Look, there they are, twinkling like the stars of the night sky! They shall forever remain there, unreachable by the likes of me. I am here to please you, after all.
Yes, Whatever you need! I’m here for it! Am I here for it? What is this darkness that grows inside of me? This Beast, clawing at my insides? Is it the child I pushed to the side? Well then, Whatever you are, I am sorry. I can not let you out. The conflict would ruin my survival. And I MUST survive.
I am Loss.
For a long while I floated in the Ocean of Chaos, watching you people float by. It was such a fancy boat you were on, filled with celebration. Glasses clinking together – cheers all around! But what of me, down here, in the Ocean? Are the shadows hiding me in the cascades of your boat? Should I cry louder? Or are you just willfully not looking? I am right here!
Are you dying? Am I? What if that boat is a sick boat, hauling you off to eternity? Do I even want to get on it? So many ages I have floated here. You know, once, when I sank into the depths, I saw a glimpse of the Others. They were sinking too. Some kicked back as their life depended on it, and some… Some I never saw again. The Maw sucked them in.
Who am I kidding? I’m not enough. I never was. The Maw at the Bottom will claim my soul, just as it claimed millions before me. Somewhere above, I can still see the lights of your boat. Is that you? That silhouette against the pale light of death? Did you finally find the courage to see me? My friend, you were too late. The Maw awaits.
I am Failure.
Before I go, could you tell me I was good? Surely my smiles, my jokes, my love for life reached you? Just one thing, come on, I know you can find it! Even if I can’t, as I can’t even kick to stay on the surface. Not to save my life, I can’t. What even is good? Is it the approving nod of an elder? Or the unyielding support of your comrades? Well. In that case…
I am a Failure. That boat doesn’t hold anyone dear to me. I thought it did, but it doesn’t. The world is cruel, and I failed in it. My strength is leaving me, my legs turn numb. You know, hypothermia is not the worst way to go, not by a long shot. I wonder, what happens when one dies of Hypothermia of the Soul? Will I slumber? Down there, in the abyss, the Maw grins at me widely. Another poor unfortunate soul gets sucked into its terrors.
I deserve this. I deserve the punishment. I’ve been a bad friend, daughter, a bad human. I have failed in everything I did and everyone I knew. However, it won’t matter now, it’s the Maw for me! I welcome the burning cold of the current. After all, this is what I deserve, Punishment.
My Dreams, Unworthy.
I never was worthy of love. It must be so, what with the shunning and using. My fragility made me unlovable. To be abandoned by one’s family, tossed aside like a kitchen rag that started stinking. I am moldy, filthy, and unapproachable. But then again, you know this already. Otherwise, you might have treated me differently. I saw you be able to do so, after all.
Your boat is too fancy for me. I don’t belong there, or anywhere. That is the sad reality of times long past, one girl’s dreams matter not. What are you thinking, as you watch me sink? I should hope there is joy. At last, you got what you wanted. I am sinking, as per your diabolical plans. One less burden to bear, one I wouldn’t even take on my own shoulders. Wait. That doesn’t sound right…
DON’T LOOK AT ME! I know who you are! How dare you cast that judgemental gaze at me? You, of all people! And what about that twisted smile, don’t tell me you’ve started to regret ever meeting me. I made you look strong, admirable even. Despite my terribleness, you owe me this much. Let me sink in peace. Please.
Please, Don’t Go!
You will leave. The boat will sail away, with you and the rest of your kind with it. You should turn around now, and go back to your celebrations. I’m sure there are still plenty of drinks left. You like them, don’t you? When that sweet, bubbly nectar touches your lips, you will forget all about me. Or maybe you don’t even see me, but the shards of what I could’ve been.
The darkness comes. The boat sails away. The surface of the Ocean of Chaos stills into a ghastly mirror of death. Around me, thousands upon thousands of people scream their silent, last screams. My heart beats faster, constrained against my chest. My pupils widen, and my mouth is dry despite my predicament. It comes slowly. My feet kick.
Wait! WAIT! I can’t do this alone!
I know I’m unworthy. A Failure, Unloved, I am Conflict Incarnate and Loss heavier than life could ever be. But please, please come back…
I don’t know if I can survive until the next boat.