Relationships

What I learned from being in an Open Relationship

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels
Posted by Maria

I have made a lot of choices in my past that have brought me little more than pain, and as such, I contribute having once lived in an open relationship to my constant need for validation and attention. That, and the fact that I was starved for love and caring, which I did not get back then drove me into a seeker mode that thankfully has shut off since I met my husband.

Was I jealous?

Yes. I’m a woman and a borderline woman at that. I don’t want to feel like I’m second best, I don’t think any reasonable person would want that. In my opinion, you are only fooling yourself if you think that you are not jealous or possessive over your partner, or you are just not into them. If we care about something, we keep it close and don’t want to lose it. Just think about your phone and how miserable you would be without it.

People take jealousy as something wrong and bad when it actually isn’t that at all. It is a natural part of humanity. And I’m talking about the kind of emotion that does not drive you to slap your partner around after they’ve smiled at the cashier in the store. I’m talking about the kind that leaves you wounded, vulnerable, and hurt when someone else gets the attention from your baby boo that you should be getting instead. 

Did I treat my partner equally?

No, I can’t honestly say I did. But then again I wasn’t treated fairly either. 

The one rule we had set out to follow without question was that we need to be each other’s priority. You can take a wild guess if this happened. The unfairness done to me was that the partner was completely different, charming, and caring to their side-hustles, but to me, they were anything but. Where other’s got the encouragement and compliments, I got none. Where other’s got nice things and companionship, I got broken promises and loneliness. Of course, this might just mean that the person is a sociopath and I was blinded by my borderline fear of not wanting to be abandoned instead of having to do anything with how a so-called ‘healthy’ open relationship would work out.

Why did I do it?

I suspect there are many reasons why people would choose to start an open relationship, but more often than not one party is the initiator and the other merely follows the leader. In my case, I was the initiator, and it was very beneficial to the person I was with back then. But why did I suggest this kind of arrangement?

As I look back I think it had very little to do with all the noble reasons people spew out when defending their choices, and a lot to do with the fact that I had been cheated on by my partner. Maybe I didn’t want it to happen again and so, I would give my blessing to such a way of life in the delusion that it’s not cheating if I said yes to it. I might’ve felt that the freedom from that choice would also give me much-needed relief from guilt when I flirted on voice chat to my gaming companions and granted me permission to have intimate relationships with others.

In essence, my relationship with that person was over the moment I got cheated on and got it into my head that an open relationship was the next step to make our bond stronger. Our journey had been broken, and for me, it became a struggle of not getting abandoned in a manipulative, abusive relationship while also trying to get my needs met in this world of shadows.

When one person is not enough

It all boils down to needs and meeting them. I’m no longer a fool that thinks it’s alright to spread all my needs to be met by different people, instead of my partner. Deep conversations, intimate connections, and all the other activities should be reserved for your partner. The thinner you spread yourself, the more misery you will have in your life. Here is a question I’ve been pondering in my spare time: Why do we choose people that can’t fulfill our needs?

I believe it is because there is something inherently broken in us. We got abused, cheated on, or otherwise manipulated into living a life that is not ours. Society cries with its propaganda, same as the fashionable modern movements. Tabloids spread false values and we are getting indoctrinated into a certain way of thinking. The old families suffer and are sneered at. Now it’s all about being “free”, but only in the way that is accepted by the social justice warriors. Dare to be a housewife and see for yourself how far the understanding of people lasts.

It’s ok to ask your partner to fulfill your needs. It’s a good, healthy thing to do instead of going to a hundred different ways for the things you desire. Easier to manage too, and less drama-inducing. In my case, the person was not anywhere near supportive enough, honest enough, intelligent enough. And I learned it through misery and pain, all the while seeking things from others to satiate my hunger. We were just not compatible (even without the whole using my disordered mind to their gain).

Would I do it again?

No, I wouldn’t. Not only because I found a husband who takes care of all my needs, intellectual, emotional, and physical, but also because I am not afraid to admit my true nature: I don’t like sharing my prized possessions. Yes, you heard me, my husband is a prized possession. I feel sorry for the ones in relationships where a person would share themselves with others, all the while fiercely defending their phone’s integrity and wholeness. People, we are people. Stuff is stuff. Stop protecting material over other human beings, especially your partners!

In the end, I’m indifferent about how people like to walk their lives as long as they keep their shit out of mine, but know this: open relationships very rarely work. And if they do, both people have to have some sort of a situation in their mental state that makes them not care about the other person. Open relationships are the narcissistic way of doing things, there is no shame in admitting to that. Sometimes we need to do what we need to do to try and stay alive and somewhat sane. But it’s time to move on from that life and that person if it comes with the realization that what you get from outside, you won’t get at home.

What do you think about open relationships? Let us know in the comments!


Want to know more about life with Borderline Personality Disorder? Sign up for the weekly newsletter!

Related Post

2 thoughts on “What I learned from being in an Open Relationship

  1. Nyxie

    Very interesting post! We tried an open relationship many years ago. While it worked for a while, it soon became to complicated.

    1. Maria

      I can imagine. The more people you have to manage the more complexity there will be oftentimes!

Leave A Comment

%d bloggers like this: