This topic used to baffle me: What’s the meaning of ‘too soon’ (or ‘too late’) when it comes to marriage? In this post, I’ll dive into my experiences and then try my best to sum up what I’ve learned. Spoilers – the answer is not a definitive timeline!
Don’t try to force it
Somewhere in the past, I was once under a sort of curse, somewhat of a siren’s song. During that time as certain person promised the moon and the stars… Of course, I never received them. It was a time of young naivety as well as people grooming me into a certain way of life. I’ve started talking less about those times, as it was a period of my life I’m not very proud of. And yet, it is meaningful to the journey I have taken – to becoming Mrs. Vana!
This particular spell worked its magic on me fairly fast, as I always wanted to belong somewhere, to someone special. My struggle with the feelings of not belonging anywhere lead me into desperation, and into truting the wrong people. I was about 16 years of age back then, a mere teen in depression and defiance.
During the years I thought I had found my place of belonging, despite the evidence set at my feet against it. My Borderline Personality Disorder had such an iron grip on me that I learned to turn a blind eye. All this so I wouldn’t be abandoned. Consequently, it meant that every time I got reassured that marriage was going to happen as soon as the money was enough. In truth, the funds were never going to be enough. Not until the final moments, when there was no way we could’ve saved the monstrosity of a relationship. Still, I took the state of affairs a fact together with the other stories I got told.
Learn from my mistakes
Here is a lesson of life from Mrs. V, gals, and guys. If the person you want to marry keeps coming up with excuses, such as money, please reconsider your commitment. If marriage is the primary goal it does not require the glitter and flare of a royal wedding. Money is not a reason to postpone your life.
In the end, somewhere around 14 years of my tormented existence I finally broke free. To my shame, I had tried to force the old sod into giving me what I wanted for over a decade. The understanding of the mistake it would’ve been to actually go through with it had not yet occurred to me. Such is the reality of a mental patient without treatment, everything gets foggy and difficult.
Either way, the drama that ensued haunted me for years to come. At that point, however, I had met my one true pillar of light, my exotic, mountain-like husband. I say mountain in the best of meanings, he is truly a force of nature. An unmovable object with his own unyielding will bending the tides of life his way.
Considering what I’d gone through, I can honestly say my husband is the complete opposite of a swindling hustler. He tells me that he knew the moment he fixed his gaze on me – I was to be his wife. Of course, I had no idea about this back then, and boy did his intense certainty intimidate me! These days I revel in it, knowing I walked down the right aisle.
He moved quickly with the regime. After 2 months of living under the same roof with me, he told me we should get married. I didn’t expect it since we hadn’t even seen eat other in real life before he landed on Finnish soil! Soon after we went to pick out our rings: he found a simple silver band that the clerk fitted on his finger.
I found the perfect token, this dainty little thing. The tiniest gemstone nestled in the silver ring so deep that it seemed to be vanishing in its socket. It was perfect. I wasn’t going to marry him for the sake of getting a rock the size of my fist, anyway. I was marrying him to intertwine our destinies for the rest of our lives.
Were those few months too little?
The thing is, many a person tried their best to make me second-guess this decision. The peoples borderline racist comments about a man none of the well-wishers knew astonished me. I nearly thought it was a war between the Middle East and the West in the making… Heavens weep for the foolish girl that would so suddenly run off with this mysterious stranger!
I believe that everything can be measured by experience. Outsiders may see our time together as alarmingly short but in reality, we’ve been together longer than any typical couple. We were, are, and will be, in the same space, our desks touching each other, 24/7. I’ve heard that during Covid, some people who had to subject themselves to this kind of nearly lost their sanity.
Why is that? Please tell me. I really can’t even think of a situation where I would not welcome my husband’s presence in the studio. And that includes moments when I am extremely, undoubtedly upset or angry.
Doing the work
Before we married, we had ample time to figure each other out. This is the moment when you get to truly test your mettle. When the waters turn from the shallow shoreline of ‘safe and innocent’ fun into the deep, deadly currents of commitment.
Are you ready for this? Do you have anything you wish to gain from this relationship? Have you laid out the common rules? What expectations do you have of me? My husband is an absolute legend among men, for he knew exactly what he wanted, and who he needed. It goes without saying that we should all get to know ourselves first. Afterwards, we can start ruffling the feathers and showcasing the flashy colors to our chosen mate.
Where are you in life?
You can’t truly measure the time it takes to be able to give a definitive, determined ‘yes’ to a marriage. You have to figure yourself out first and foremost, and then start taking steps with the intention of getting married.
I’ve lost count of the people I’ve known that have done the whole dating thing with the thought of leisure and fun. The thought of actually properly thinking about what they want to gain from it never occurred to these people. It’s no wonder such relationships fall apart sooner or later. After all, it is impossible to keep that ship afloat when it has holes riddled all over the hull.
Make sure your boat is built to last. Make it known that you want a dedicated marriage, a family. There is no shame in being stern and selective. Cast aside those that are clearly not in the right place in their lives to settle down on a lifelong journey with the one person that matters most, you. (To not sound so self-centered, I’ll clarify why it is that you are the most important being to yourself. Without your own life and health, you will be nothing. If you are nothing, as in not alive… Well, you get my point.)
Keeping it realistic
Don’t be stupid about it, either. When I say ‘selective’ I don’t mean for you to become the self-fulfilling prophecy in your vanity. Find a person of good character, values that resonate with yours, and who attracts you on some level. Try not to go for the pure money, looks, and status combo. You’ll find that those sharks swim in waters that will have you shredded in one beat of that fragile heart. Unless, of course, you happen to be one of their own breed and can take them on.
Find a kind-hearted, loyal man. One that’ll not promise you the moon and the stars, but will do their damnest to make it happen anyway. Not because you expect it, but because they love you truly. Consider his heart on your palm, and yours on his, the first stars of your very own galaxy. The smiles and the journey you take will become the moon that reflects your chosen path. Build everything together, and enjoy the rewards that come from knowing yourself truly, and having made the right choice!
Last Updated: 29/05/2023