In the past, I have tried so hard to keep a hold of various traditions. Pumpkin carving, a horror movie around Halloween, and Nightmare Before Christmas at, well, Christmas. The struggle to keep some cohesion and order in my chaotic life led to an unhealthy attachment towards these things which I held on to with the vigor of a dying animal. I started wondering whether traditions were directly tied to my self-worth and identity.
The family traditions
When I was a child, and still lived with my parents, we used to have these nice birthday parties. Relatives would come for cake and coffee, kids would shove their gullets full of sweets and chips, as well as drink the magical punch made of green Mehukatti (Literally JuiceCat, I think it was pear taste) and Sprite. The adults would ask the birthday boy/girl how it feels to get older, and I’d feel uncomfortable in the spotlight but yet still somehow proud and validated. I was always jealous of my sister, since she got the fudge cake having been born in the winter, and she actually might’ve preferred my summer season strawberry cake.
Another big one was Christmas. The preparations would start early and the chocolate calendars came out for that glorious 24-day wait before the gifts. And the gifts were put in this amazing wooden basket that I could easily fit in as a child. My mother always told us that the elves would not be happy if we go fiddling with the treasure before it was time and that they’d take it all away if that was the case. Funny enough, when it came to Christmas Eve (Finns open gifts then instead of the 25th), Santa never came. Instead, we sat down with our respective packages and played a game of trying to guess what was in the wrappers. One of them was always soft.
Other than that, my mother had created this amazing patience game for Easter. She would bring out the egg holders, little glasses that can hold an egg, and put a tiny chocolate egg at the bottom. It would start multiplying and growing in the coming days, until eventually if I waited long enough, it had evolved into an enormous oblong treat!
Being the outsider
As I grew older, and the family got separated (and I could no more get my hands on the tasty sandwich cakes my mum made), the homely traditions waned. The school events became more prominent, and that is when I figured out I don’t really enjoy being with tons of people in a mandatory happening like the yearly church (yes, kids in school went to church at least twice a year, on Christmas and at the end of the school year). Being forced into plays about topics I could care less about, is not for me. And let’s not even start talking about the yearly dance lessons with the boys, or the grandest of posh balls in high school that you have to rehearse for months AND get a gown for it as well.
It didn’t make it any easier that I was not keen on being a part of one fo them infamous friend circles (having been burned by one in my earlier years), and even as I grew to become a young adult, the casual commoner’s idea of parties and traditions was more likely to be about going out on Friday night. No philosophical discussions for me anymore, as my path with the only creative friend of mine that clicked with me had separated from theirs eons ago. And so I turned to games and went more into my introverted self.
The self-seclusion became more of a problem when I started dating and had to endure elaborate travel between families and cities to satisfy everyone’s need for family holidays. The fancy dinners which had several courses and celebrations that lasted for days (I know sounds horrible I’m sure!) took a toll on me. I was never really comfortable mingling, and so I became the weird one that always tucked into some corner by myself, or very awkwardly and being as small as I could, took part in the activities out of fear of seeming rude and not belonging.
Creating my own
Eventually, I had had enough and decided to try and create something for myself. A solace from the maddening, imposed traditions of others. The first of these, as far as I know, was my insistence on watching The Nightmare Before Christmas movie during the holidays. I have memories of watching it from the computer by myself, from the tv, even watching it while holding on to my late dog’s urn in my arms as he had died not too far from Christmas and I wasn’t ready to let go.
Talking about things and people I wasn’t ready to let go of, Halloween was one of the most prominent times of the year for me. It was a time of ‘’celebrating’’ the dead, and with the dead. For a while, I was dead set on always going to a carnival in another city, held by an amusement park I loved as a child (we used to go there in the summers with my father). Now that I think of it, I was always underwhelmed, and unhappy there despite the sights. I also almost died on one of the rides (how appropriate for Halloween!), but that’s another story. I took up carving pumpkins, and we do it to this day with my husband. I am very much into everything creative, and the faces I carved say a lot about my state of being each year.
One thing I was doing a lot, and doing it in an extremely unhealthy way, was the tradition of celebrating the launch days of games with loads of drinks and snacks. I would sit alone in my mental prison, the room I was confined to most days, and play for hours and hours while getting intoxicated and drowning myself in a world that was not real. The games were my solace from my anguish, and as such, they were given more effort than anything in the real world.
The mentalities
As I mentioned before, there was a lot of forcing myself into other people’s molds. To this day I can’t understand why people start fussing over the holidays a good month before it is happening, stressing themselves out and getting panic attacks over it. This forcefulness of having to please others made me try to do the things I knew I should be doing for the holidays.
Thing is, all the unnecessary prepping, the spending money on gifts for people who don’t even know me anymore and whom I don’t particularly like… I figured, what’s the point of it? Why do I have to satisfy everyone else’s pompous needs of grandiose parties while my need and desire to be in peace with my family is entirely disregarded? All of this together with my tendency to please people lead me down the road of anxiety and bitterness. Hatred towards people that were making me do it based on social expulsion on failure to adhere to the norm.
And then I met my husband. He gifted me with a wonderful sense of order in my life, as well as a more minimal, day-to-day lifestyle. He is not one for grandiose gift exchange and I dare say he entirely repels the commercial aspects of given holidays. What matters to him is to be able to be with his loved ones, laugh, and eat good food.
The current Traditions
Since we live our lives more on a daily basis, trying to plan for events a month (or sometimes even a day) ahead leads to unnecessary chaos and unrest. While this may seem disorderly in itself (life needs all the planning right?!), it has proven to be the way for us. We keep in mind our holidays and celebrations, and I have taken it upon myself (as the amazing wife) to incorporate aspects of them in the form of food. What makes the transition towards less commercial holidays an adventure for me while making it easier as well, is that most of the celebrations stemming from the culture of my beloved בעלי are very deep and philosophical in nature.
On top of our respective cultural celebrations, we have our own little days of joy, such as our anniversaries and birthdays. As we evolve in our marriage, it has become a custom to say blessings for the future, to thank for the past, and to celebrate the present. This way of celebrating has brought more joy and meaning to my life and to the experiences I have from the past decade of holidays. I made list in my housewife’s diary for each of our celebrations, and we get to have at least one big one every month!
But it does not end there. Each day is worth celebrating. Life in itself is worth it! So while we do take moments on a regular basis to celebrate our various ups in life, we have made it a tradition to have a Shnitzel Friday every week. It has become quite a sweet happening, as we both are waiting for it excitedly, foaming about the feast ahead.