I was writing my journal one day, as one does when trying to make sense of their Soulscape, and I stumbled upon my feelings of shame and guilt that relate to many parts of my life. Unfortunately, they have carried on to my journey to become a housewife, so I had to address those feelings. Why would I take on this seemingly overwhelming burden, and why do I feel so guilty about it in the first place?
The Source of my guilt and shame was my Borderline
I am wasting my potential. I am out of my mind, crazy. What if he leaves me? Why would you ever do such a thing instead of a glorious career path? Girl, you must be stupid. Or lazy as hell! You have no ambition, you want to be a maid?
These are just some of the things you might hear, should you choose this path. And I’m someone with identity and personality issues on top of the harshness that comes with such statements already! The impact of people’s entitled fake knowledge of what would be the best for me hits me so hard that I feel like an entirely useless, worthless human being. Or at least it used to.
As I choose, voluntarily, to take on whatever may come as a consequence of my choice, I can slowly start shaking off the peeps of insignificant, ignorant people. What do they truly know about me, my potential, my strengths, and my passions and values? Absolutely nothing. So, according to my Soulscape Hierarchy, it is time to start building walls and ward off anything that is not welcome within my personal space.
What is housewifery to me?
I am not a very religious person, in the traditional sense of the word. When I started my journey and was searching for like-minded individuals, I could not find any that were not shrouded in the service of the Lord. Now, while I applaud the conviction and dedication of these women, it just does not resonate with my being. I serve a different existence, a different G-d so to speak. The inability to find any people writing from a non-religious point of view was also part of the reason I started my own blog.
As I kept writing my journal, I thought about the things that came with being a housewife. I weighed the good with the bad. I tried my damnest to figure out if I had for some reason taken a wrong turn, maybe these people were right, or maybe I was lacking ambition and wasting my potential as a Housewife. Turns out they were wrong, and I took the best possible path, with the greatest potential, as my life’s journey.
So what does being a Housewife mean to me then, since it is not based on traditional religious or patriarchal values? Why did I end up choosing this path, and not the feminist, progressive one while battling feelings of guilt and shame?
Reason #1 – Prerequisite to Marry
This was not even a hard choice for me when I first took action to move from my old life to this new one. It was a choice between marrying a man that had already shown to be an exceptional person and the scrutiny and imprisonment of my old misery. A choice between death and life. Believe me, if that’s the position you are in, no matter how oppressed you think you will be, you will always choose life. When we live, there is still hope.
My בעלי has never been one to play games when it comes to his life and things that could alter it. Steadfast in what he knew he needed, he informed me that he requires his chosen one to become a housewife, to support him in his battles, and to take care of the sanctuary in which he is to return for rest. There will be no competition over who does the cleaning, nor will there be any nonsense related to who makes more money. It was a moment where I looked at the fine print and what it would mean for me and clicked “I have read the Terms of Service and Agree” like my life depended on it.
Had I not, I would not be here right now. I might not Be at all.
Reason #2 – Journey of the Ultimate Support
I was never any good in groups or places where I had to spread my attention to tend to multiple people at once. I was also never any good at being on the front lines of anything. Gaming showed me this very clearly, as my lackluster performance as a pure damage dealer was always subpar. On the other hand, singing revitalizing songs, putting ailments on the enemy, and performing other supporting tasks such as preparing potions, food, and gear for the journey ahead… That is where I shined bright.
It gets complicated when I have to spread my focus among many people or things. And when I am being stressed by a boss that has no respect for me or my efforts and talents whatsoever. I can’t for the life of me serve a person who would toss me out in one blink of an eye should I not meet their quotas and demands. Is there anything more toxic than that, especially for a mentally sensitive person?
As a wife, I have been presented with an incredible opportunity. Instead of serving a dill-weed, megalomaniac boss, I can now serve one man. The tricky part for us Housewives is to find a proper man, which I, fortunately, seem to have managed to do. So I can serve this one man, this brilliant front-liner in the battle of life. I can pour all of my talent and effort into becoming his Ultimate Support, one that bolsters him and revitalizes him. And in turn, he will bring me peace and the head of the dragon he slayed.
Reason #3 – Wifery means Freedom
My mind is chaos. And chaos it shall always be. It gets worse the more things I have on my plate, and because of my Borderline, I used to not prioritize my own life over the demands of others. That meant that the things I knew I was meant to do in this lifetime kept haunting me, nagging at me. I became bitter, depressed, and even lost my will to live.
I know my potential now, more than ever, is in being a support. But more than that, I have another calling. A fire that kept burning through the darkest ages and survived the constant beatings I was given, sometimes by others, other times by myself. The call I’ve suffocated for most of my life due to people telling me to put it aside for various misinformed reasons.
Housewifery is a beautiful way to be, as it gives me everything I need and want from life. I don’t have to overburden my sensitive mind, and I have the freedom to listen to my calling and work on myself. How fortunate am I, to have found my purpose, and to have realized I’m in the perfect spot to live it as well?
I would like to leave you with the last page of my journal after I had pondered all this through:And so, my friend, I accept this cross.
I accept it voluntarily.
I accept I will get flagged, humiliated, and ousted for my choices and for my purpose.
A also accept the beauty down the path and the promise that I, Maria Vana, will be fulfilled.
I voluntarily make the decision to stand tall and proud and shield myself from the cast stones of the blind and miserable.
I promise to live my purpose to the best of my ability.
To serve my fragment.
With love: Maria Vana