Difficulties I experience in controlling my emotions

First a little bit of knowledge about DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy)

DBT is a form of practical therapy where we learn about emotion management and how to recognize emotions, and about primary and secondary feelings, and much more. But it is also a way of thinking that says that the coin can have two sides and usually has even more than that. 

You see, for someone like me as borderline things can get a bit tricky at times as the reality is skewed by the overwhelming emotions. Things become blurred and at the same time black and white. But it’s never that way, is it? There is always another point of view somewhere in there. 

One thing in DBT we have talked about and I have read about is that Emotions and Thoughts do not equal me. Let me explain a little bit.

Emotions are a thing that we have to help us on our way to greatness, to help us survive and deal with things. If you stand in a fire your emotion is probably fear at some point, and it’s telling you to get out of there and fast. Chances are you will listen because it is the sensible thing to do.

Thoughts on the other hand can tell you anything, triggered by anything and everything, such as my thoughts about how I wanted to jump in front of a bus.

Here is where the actual you tags along.

For a person like me, it is very hard to do, to separate myself from my emotions and thoughts. To observe. Especially in the situation when shit is going down and my head is screaming things and thoughts and I am drowned by them. 

Just lately I have started to get a tiny bit of a grip of that moment, having dialogues in my head. 

I am in so much pain I want it to just end, where is the blade? (I know you are in pain, anyone would be if they saw what you see. But friend, do you really want to do that? Do you really want to cut yourself knowing that these days it will bring a lot of pain to people around you and yourself in the end? Remember that you are not alone anymore.)

Or in more of a manic moment, the emotion might tell me to start picking on my husband in a rather intolerable way and my other voice would ask me if I  really want to treat my man that way when it will most likely end up hurting him.

Emotions tell us about danger or joy or whatever we feel about things we face and whether we should defend ourselves or if we can just be. 

Emotions and thoughts don’t kill us, taking action based on them does. 

This is when I start wondering where I actually am in me?

How is it possible that I can be and at the same time observe myself?

And most importantly, how can I, in my broken borderline state, make it so that I can observe and let it happen in a safe manner so that I am not bottling up the things inside me and will not harm me or anyone else mentally or physically. 

Now there’s a dilemma.

My point is. Trust me, you don’t have to be the dick or desperate being your emotions and thoughts paint you to be. You can practice. 

And it starts with being kind to yourself.